Rock n Roll.
Southern Rock
Bluegrass
Smooth Jazz
for in the dark: Adagio for Strings

To Kill A Mockingbird.
East of Eden
The Deer Hunter
12 Angry Men
Bambi
Hamlet
Debbie Does Dallas

Riding my Ninja and Interceptor.
Outdoors/Hunting/fishing/hiking
Target shooting
swimming
gardening.
robbing convenience stores
mugging girl scouts for cookies

I love to get into people's heads and make then crazy. I ask friends if they recently gained weight or if their hair is falling out. I ask them if they stepped in dog shit. I offer to examine their shoes. I tell them that I drove by their home last night and saw their dead uncle standing on their lawn and looking into their windows, but not to worry because zombies only haunt the ones they love. I suggest they take up drugs and cigarettes - just for a while - to calm their nerves. I tell them that listening to rock and roll and drinking beer often causes cancer. I call them at bedtime and WHISPER: "I've been watching you", then I hang up and go to bed. After a few years, if they havn't been committed , I tell them it was all for laughs.

yeah, lots.

A Short History of Nearly Everything, Bill Bryson. and a million others.

Pissing in the Snow - a collection of dirty stories told in the Ozarks, circa 1890.

I go to funerals of people I dont know. I am a Certified Professional Mourner (CPM degree)

I'm a loner and don't do rallies. My favorite rallies are loong rides in the bedroom with numerous rest stops after each round of fireworks. It's exhausting but somebody has to do it.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes to Gasport. Last summer I toured New Jersey with the famous Russian Penis Puppets . I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep upside down,hanging from a beam. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full contact needlepoint. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a bag of rice and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. My middle name is Dickweed, which proves my parents had a sense of humor. Beyond my cleanliness and godliness, I am modest.

(And I ride a Honda VFR Interceptor, and a little red Ninja, btw)

1) Modesty. I don't like talking about myself.

2) Thongs. I bought one at TJMax, just in case it ever came up in a conversation, I can say:" Oh yeah, I've got one." Now wearing it...is a different story.

3) Lying. I started lying about my age when I turned 39 and never looked back. I love lying. But I'm a short term liar. My lies last for only a few minutes before I blurt-out the truth.

4) I love my new diet. I became a vagitarian.
I try to eat at the Y as often as possible. HEALTH, IS IMPORTANT!!!! Listen to me, I'm telling you!

5) I drive go-fast bikes. They are beasts. I hang on for dear life. I think they're plotting to kill me. Late at night I hear them grumbling in the garage, plotting their moves.

Proctology. It baffles me why would anybody choose this as a career. Can you imagine a medical student hearing his bell rung and suddenly realizing that he wants to become a proctologist and spend his life looking up people's rectums? How do you tell your family, your fiance? "Honey, I've decided that rectums are my life's work and I'm starting with yours."

Ok, I know the money is good. And when you need one, a plumber just won't do. But the first time some old lady lets one rip in my face, I'd jump out the friggin window. Naw, it ain't for me, Skippy. Noooo way.
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I hate head games. Even the voices in my head refuse to talk to me anymore. Those bastards! Oh well...they'll get theirs.